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The Little Boy in the Bathroom Story

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By Susan Ford Collins

While I was doing a Technology of Success seminar, a participant asked me about a problem he and his wife were having with their six-year-old son. They were concerned that he might have a learning problem. He just couldn't follow instructions. Tom felt the information I was teaching might be relevant. And it was.

"What exactly does your son do?” I asked.

"Well, every night he takes a shower and he does the same dumb things over and over. He leaves the shower curtain hanging outside the tub so water pours all over the floor. Then he leaves the towels in a pile sopping wet on the floor, and the soap floating in the tub till it melts into a thick, sticky goo. We go through a bar of soap every couple of days. And my wife hates scrubbing that soapy goo off the sides of the tub."

"And what exactly do you do when your son does all that?” I asked.

"Pretty much the same thing every time. I get mad and yell: “I’ve told you a million times not to leave the shower curtain hanging out, not to leave the wet towels in a pile on the floor, not to leave the soap floating till it melts into a thick, sticky goo. Son, I can't believe you're so stupid. You must be slow. Then our son starts to cry and we send him to bed. What do you think, Susan?"

"Well, I have good news and bad news," I replied with a chuckle. "The good news is, based on what you just said, I see no reason to think your son has a learning problem. The bad news is... you and your wife are responsible for creating this problem!

Think about the instructions you're giving your son. He’s done exactly what you told him to do, if you take the not out of every sentence!” We all laughed and started talking honestly about where and when we were doing the same thing. I asked the group what they thought this father could do to turn the situation around. and developed a plan for what he could do that evening. The next morning we were eager to hear how it had gone.

"It was amazing," he said with a smile. "I told my son that I wanted to show him how to take care of the bathroom. I was sorry that I’d forgotten to teach him how to do it right in the first place, but I'd be happy to correct that now… if he'd let me. I know you’ll be able to do the job perfectly from now on. And hesitantly, he said yes.

First I showed him how a shower curtain works. Turning on the water, I pushed the curtain in the tub and aimed the shower head in that direction. The water ran down the curtain into the drain. Did you see that? ‘Yes, Dad, I did.’

Next I pulled the shower curtain out of the tub and turned on the water. As the water headed down the curtain toward the floor, he quickly pushed it back in the tub. Good son, you've got it. You're a very quick learner! He was smiling and proud, happy to know he’d finally done something right!

Next I told my son he could choose between two ways of folding the towel. First, there's the one-fold method. I laid the towel on the floor, folded it down the middle lengthwise, picked it up carefully, hung it over the towel bar, and straightened out the edges. My son nodded OK. Then he laid the towel on the floor, folded it down the middle lengthwise, picked it up carefully, hung it over the towel bar and straightened out the edges perfectly. His confidence was growing.

Now how about the two-fold method. I laid the towel on the floor again. This time I folded it lengthwise twice, one third and one third. He followed my example and liked this way even better.

OK, son, there's just one more thing—the soap. Could you figure out a way to make a bar last a week if I promise to take you for ice cream? "I sure could! Dad, let’s go buy a soap holder with points on the top and points on the bottom. I'll use it to keep the soap high and dry. And, if it lasts two weeks, would you get me two cones?”

You bet, as long as you still manage to get yourself clean! Son, you're no only smart but you're one heck of a salesman!

Then my son started to cry. Oh no, what's wrong? "Dad, I thought you didn't love me. You always said I was stupid. I couldn't do anything right. I'm a good boy, aren't I Dad?"

Yes, son, you’re a good boy.

"I love you, Dad."

I love you, too. Not only are you a good boy but a very smart boy as well! We hugged each other hard. OK, let's go get your soap holder!"

We were touched by this Dad's story and spent hours talking about how supervisors and managers could use these same understandings. He said this experience would help him at work too “because I’ve been making the same mistakes with my employees as well!”

What is the real message you’re sending yourself and others? Take the not out of the sentence and you’ll immediately know.

Not creates stress and uncertainty. And, it also signals opportunity… the opportunity to make a more thoroughly considered choice. A healthier, more loving choice. Starting today, let’s resolve to think and communicate what we do want. And when we catch ourselves not-ing ourselves or not-ing others, let’s resolve to take that extra life-saving, love-saving step by simply asking, What do I want instead?

(c) Susan Ford Collins. For permission to use this article, email susanfordcollins@msn.com

* For more on The Positive Command Brain, read Skill 3: The Science of Dreaming in The Joy of Success. And Skill 3: Hologramming in Our Children Are Watching

THE TECHNOLOGY of SUCCESS Book Series… compact, concise and powerful…

the perfect toolbox for today’s “always-on” global world.

$14.95 paperback$3.99 eBook

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Don't Play with Matches... a Life-Threatening Instruction!

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By Susan Ford Collins

A sales manager at Kimberly-Clark told me a story that tragically reinforces the danger of giving not instructions, especially to kids. Three months before my seminar, Kevin and his wife Barbara had left their son Bobby with a babysitter. As they pulled on their coats, Kevin heard Barbara say, “Don’t play with matches while we’re out. Promise me that you won't.” Kevin thought it was strange because Bobby was afraid of striking matches but they were late so he didn't say anything then.

In the car, Barbara told Kevin she'd seen a show on TV that afternoon about children setting fires while they were staying with sitters. Those scenes of badly-burned, heavily-bandaged kids kept playing over and over in her mind so she felt she had to say something to protect their son. Kevin said he understood.

They enjoyed dinner and headed home. When they turned into their street, they saw fire trucks on their lawn. Their son had followed her not instruction. He had played with matches and set fire to the drapes! The sitter called 911 and Bobby had been rushed to the hospital where he was being treated for life-threatening burns.

Why did this tragedy occur? Let's take a closer look!

Understanding not instructions or negative commands requires two essential steps.

First, our brain automatically and unconsciously disregards the not and experiences what the message looks, sounds, feels, smells and tastes like. This is because we have a Positive Command Brain. Yes, bottom line... in our brains ALL instructions are positive. Think about the power of that information for a minute! Think about the laws, rules and corrections we're given. So understanding that immediately leads us to the second crucial step.

Second, we must quickly think... and say... what you do want instead? We must create a Positive Command that we want to go into action!

So for example, if this mother did not want her son to play with matches, what did she want him to do instead? She could have created a specific action plan… choosing games, TV shows or movies, or invited over a friend… and thoroughly discussed that plan with her sitter, son and his friend. Plus... remembering to put the matches out of reach, of course! But when we speak to kids or there's imminent danger, we frequently fail to take that life-changing, life-saving second step!

Years ago I was a consultant to a government agency that was struggling to create a now-familiar sign. They considered two possibilities: In case of fire do not take the elevator, leaving people frightened and undirected.  Or taking the switching step and providing a specific life-saving action plan? In case of fire, use the stairs… and post clear directions to all nearby stairwells. After numerous tests, it was clear which choice worked to calmly and safely move people out of the building and away from danger. Which one do you think worked better?

When you give negative instructions, what is the real message you are sending to your brain, and others' brains? Take the not out of the instruction and you’ll immediately know. Whether we realize it or not, don't play with matches = play with matches... to the brain. Don't use the elevator = use the elevator... to the brain. Unfortunately not statements create stress and uncertainty at the very times when ease and certainty are needed.

Fortunately, not instructions also signal opportunity… the opportunity to deliver a more thoroughly considered plan. The opportunity to make a healthier, more loving choice.

Starting today, let’s resolve to think, and communicate, what we do want. And whenever we catch ourselves saying or hearing not, let’s commit to take that life-saving, love-saving extra step by asking ourselves, What do I want instead? Or, by asking others, what do you want instead? And taking a few seconds to answer those questions clearly... before it automatically goes into action.

Don't play with matches. Play these games or watch these shows or movies with your friend.

In case of fire, don't use the elevator. Use the stairs and here's a map for exactly how to get there.

(c) Susan Ford Collins. For permission to use this article, email susanfordcollins@msn.com

* For more on The Positive Command Brain, read Skill 3: The Science of Dreaming in The Joy of Success. And Skill 3: Hologramming in Our Children Are Watching. And Skill 9, Switching in both books.

THE TECHNOLOGY of SUCCESS Book Series… compact, concise and powerful… the perfect toolbox for today’s “always-on” global world.

$14.95 paperback$3.99 eBook

Your Working Life: Caroline Dowd-Higgins interviews Susan Ford Collins

 

 

 

Commit to Outcome and Stay Open to Possibilites

By Susan Ford Collins

Comet.jpg

Over the years I’ve asked highly successful inventors how they made their discoveries, and the answers they gave me were frequently the same: the chemical spilled; the formula overheated; the wrong ingredients were mixed and—BAM—they invented it. (Latin inventus, “to come upon.”) With their outcome clearly in mind, opportunities came “out of the blue.” And they were able to spot them and use them.

Here's an example. In 1993, David Levy along with Gene and Carolyn Shoemaker spent months in the Palomar Observatory preparing to photograph a comet that had been drawn into Jupiter’s gravitational field and fractured into 21 pieces that would strike its surface like a string of bullets. Everything was ready until they discovered someone had opened the film box by mistake and exposed the film. Doubt set in. It was overcast so seeing the comet at all was highly unlikely but, committed to their outcome, they decided “to go for it.” So they pulled out film exposed along the edges and started shooting, hoping it would be usable in the middle.

When Carolyn inspected the film later, there was the comet in the middle of the first shot! This almost-missed photograph heralded a major astronomical event… the first collision of two solar system bodies ever observed. Because of their persistence and their profound pictures, the comet was named Shoemaker-Levy 9.

There were other challenges connected with photographing this event. The Galileo probe was in the right place at the right time, not because of careful planning and scientific precision, but because its launch had been delayed; its antennae which had been stored too long, failed to open; and Galileo needed to be reprogrammed in flight. Where was the comet when Galileo was finally ready? Straight ahead and perfectly positioned to record the Shoemaker-Levy 9 comet crashing into Jupiter, sending up a six-mile high plume and creating a bruise the size of Earth on its surface.

Things went wrong. It looked impossible. They almost lost hope. But with everyone focused on getting those pictures, the process unfolded in divine time and order. Call it intention or prayer… either way the ability to hold an outcome and seize out-of-the-blue opportunities is one of the astounding powers we have been given. And the 7th Success Skill is the one we need to take advantage of this power.

When did obstacles and interferences become reasons to give up your outcome? When did discomfort and disagreement change your mind and course? What other outcome did you end up with... one you wanted, or one that didn't really matter to you? That left you disappointed? And when did you hold an outcome—a mission, commitment, goal or dream—all the way to completion? When did you feel the satisfaction and the power of the 7th Success Skill? Would you like to do it more often?

© 2015 Susan Ford Collins. Contact me for permission to use it.

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Time to Create a New Tradition… Parenting Vows

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By Susan Ford Collins

Infants’ capabilities are limited. They can move, fuss, cry or smile. But they can’t feed themselves, change their diapers or safely get in and out of their cribs. In this stage of life, they’re totally dependent on us to figure out what they need, to make time to meet their needs completely, and to replace ourselves appropriately when we have other responsibilities.

The choice to have children is one that impacts the rest of our lives. It requires five years of being totallyresponsible and sixteen more years of being heavily responsible, an even harder job since we’re not always there with them at that stage. And it’s demanding financially too. It takes $100,000 to $500,000 plus to pay for a child’s health and education.

Have you seen the Nyquil commercial where a man wakes up feeling awful and seems to be asking his boss for a sick day? As the view widens, we realize he’s asking for the day off... from his son who is standing up in his crib! Fun but true. In good times and bad, in sickness and health, there are no days off from parenting! With all this responsibility in mind, something seems to be missing.

It’s time to create a new tradition—Parenting Vows

We promise to love, honor and cherish when we marry. But there are no vows when we create a new life!

It’s time to initiate a new tradition—Parenting Vows—sacred vows that affirm our mutual willingness to be responsible for our children's lives. Let us vow to support their growth and future contributions forever. Then, if one of us dies or we decide to live apart, our children will truly know that the form of our relationship has changed. But our love for them hasn't.

Before that precious moment of choosing to parent, let us make a solemn promise to each other…

Repeat after me...

No matter what—no matter how much money we have or we don't have, no matter how much time we have or we don't have, no matter what happens in our lives or what doesn't happen—we will make certain that our child is supervised, safe and secure. That he or she will have the support and independence needed to develop skills and gain experience. And that—no matter what—we will parent so he or she will be able to lead our families and our society in new directions in the years to come.

We promise to manage our lives and relationships so we can meet the parenting needs of our child—whether we are living together or apart— until death do us part.

(c) Susan Ford Collins. Contact me for permission to use it.

* For more on Parenting Vows, read The Gate to Fulfillment: Beyond Personal Success, the final chapter in Our Children Are Watching: 10 Skills for Leading the Next Generation to Success.

THE TECHNOLOGY of SUCCESS Book Series… compact, concise and powerful…

the perfect toolbox for today’s “always-on” global world.

$14.95 paperback$3.99 eBook

Your Working Life: Caroline Dowd-Higgins interviews Susan Ford Collins

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Heads Up... Guidance May Arrive in Disguise!

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By Susan Ford Collins

After graduation, my husband and I moved to Washington, D.C. where I interviewed to be a supervisor at the phone company. They asked me to roleplay a call with a customer. He couldn’t pay his bill on time and who wanted to pay it over time.

Simple enough now but, in my childhood world, people had to follow rules; exceptions were impossible. So I said, "I’m sorry. You have to get your payment in on time. There's nothing I can do.” And I was shocked when, with all my credentials and honors and having said what I was sure was the right thing, they weren't interested in hiring me.

That job rejection affected me deeply. For the first time I saw myself from the outside. I had learned about life from my parents, teachers and bosses, from their attitudes about what was possible and impossible, what could be changed and what couldn't.

Weeks later that turndown turned into a blessing. I was hired as a Research Psychologist at the National Institutes of Health (NIH). After studying illness and dysfunction for a year, an idea started waking me at night. What more could we learn if we studied highly successful people (HSPs) too? What could we discover about how success is learned and passed on?

After weeks of sleepless nights, I headed into one of our prestigious weekly conferences and raised my hand. “I think that we’re only doing half the job. Instead of simply studying ill and dysfunctional people, we need to begin studying highly successful people as well. What are they doing that the rest of us are not? Are they using specific skills? If so, how can we teach "their skills" to individuals who are missing, or misusing, one or more?”

I was sure my colleagues would be excited with my idea, but instead they laughed… and laughed loudly. I was forced to make a life-changing decision on the spot. Were they right that I was wrong? That my idea was laughable? Or was I onto something BIG they just couldn’t see yet? Red-faced, I silently vowed to pursue this research on my own, trusting I would be guided.

As a girl, I understood all too well what happens when the baton of a child’s leadership gets dropped along the way. When a parent is ill, drunk, or absent and no one else steps in. I knew I was missing skills as a result. Weeks after my proposal was laughed at, I discovered I was pregnant and I felt an even more profound sense of urgency. My child is watching! I need to discover more about success so he or she can be successful.

Clear about my mission, an unexpected event occurred. My husband was offered a position that was too good to refuse so we packed up and moved our family to suburban Philadelphia. With no research opportunities available and two young daughters to mother, I accepted a teaching position in a middle school. I felt blown off course at first, however those classroom years let me share workdays and holidays with my girls and gave me time to begin shadowing gifted kids as well as highly successful adults. Through an almost incomprehensible maze created by divorce and my new responsibilities as a single mom, I was led by three questions: What is success? What skills make people successful? How can these skills be taught? But my route—filled with detours and roadblocks, starts and restarts, conflicting needs and priorities, inner guidance and divine intervention—would turn out to be similar to those HSPs would describe to me later.

Then an unanticipated opportunity presented itself. My school asked me to attend World Games at the University of Massachusetts where I met Buckminster Fuller, one of the greatest architects and innovators of our time. Seizing the opportunity, I shared my mission and asked Bucky what he thought made him successful. After suggesting a few possibilities, he said he wasn’t sure, but he applauded my “spunk” and agreed to let me spend time with him. Months later when I described the skills I had observed, he realized he had been using those skills unconsciously. Eager to know more, he introduced me to other HSPs, who introduced me to still others. Like a tree, my connections branched and multiplied. Since NIH, I have shadowed people in a wide range of fields—business people, coaches, athletes, writers, entertainers, parents, teachers, musicians, astronauts and inventors. Year after year as I studied their work strategies, leadership styles, decision-making processes, family and personal lives, the same 10 skills kept showing up. I named this skillset The Technology of Success.

Next I began designing and facilitating The Technology of Success public seminars. Group after group, the process flowed naturally from Skill 1 to Skill 10. Some participants knew a few skills. Others knew them all but were using them incorrectly. After the seminar, companies started calling me. They were noticing significant improvements in the attitudes and performances of employees who attended my seminar. Top corporations—American Express, Florida Power & Light, Ryder System, The Upjohn Company, Dow Chemical, Kimberly-Clark and CNN—invited me to teach The Technology of Success in-house.

Most of the participants in my corporate seminars were also parents, and many of the questions they asked me on breaks were about their leadership role as parents. Teaching these skills in the workplace was extremely valuable but not nearly as life-changing as teaching parents how to use these skills at home, then helping teachers reinforce them in school so our next generation can bring them full-blown into our workplaces and communities. Into their own families.

One morning I had a call from a director at The Upjohn Company who invited me to speak at their regional sales conference. We chatted for a few minutes about agenda and details. Then he said he had something special to tell me. "We will be honoring your daughter Margaret as our top sales rep that day. When we told her she'd won, we asked what her secret was. She said it was the 10 Success Skills you taught her as a girl and you're teaching in businesses around the world. We want you to share “Margaret’s skills” with the rest of our sales team. There's just one thing! We don't want them to know you're Margaret’s mother until it's over. We want them to hear you for the professional you are." I chuckled but gladly agreed.

I flew into Washington, D.C. Arriving at the hotel, I mingled with participants, not stopping when I passed my daughter in the lobby, not chatting when she stood beside me in the lunchline. At the end of the day, I was standing in a knot of question-askers and hand-shakers when concluding remarks began. "Our award-winner Margaret Collins has an announcement to make.” She stood up slowly and pointed her finger straight at me, "That's my mom!"

The room fell silent for a moment, then in one voice the group roared, “No fair, Margaret—no wonder you won!” Although Margaret’s colleagues shouted those words with good-natured laughter, their “complaint” troubled me. Shouldn’t every child have parents who can teach them all 10 Success Skills? Shouldn’t every child have parents who live these skills every day, not just enjoying their own dreams but leading the way so their children can enjoy theirs?

Several months later, I was invited to teach The Technology of Success to the entire staff of a middle school—administrators, teachers, counselors, PTA members, police, hall aides and custodians—everyone who had contact with students. I trained parents and caregivers, spoke in classrooms and assemblies, and interviewed hundreds of students as well.

Suddenly my classroom years were making sense. I asked each student two questions: What does success mean to you? And what are you doing to get it? Their answers stunned me. Very few students saw a connection between their future goals and what they were doing day to day. Those who planned to be music stars were rarely studying music, let alone practicing. Those who expected to be professional athletes were hardly ever on teams. Most disturbing of all, many students—including ones from affluent families—said they didn't want to be successful.

Yes, you read that right. More times than I could count, I heard, “I don't want to be successful.” Why? “Because if you’re successful, you never have time for friends, family or fun. You’re always working and your boss never appreciates you.” These students were deciding their futures by what they saw happening in their parents’ lives.

In 2006 I was invited to speak at the National Grant Management Association in Washington. I told them about my red-faced day at NIH. After I finished speaking, a crowd of smiling participants headed straight for me. They were the NIH people who were currently deciding on grants. They said they thought my idea was brilliant and only wished they could have been in the audience that day so that, instead of laughing, they could have all shouted together, “Yes, Susan. Yes!”

And I was reminded that it had been a long and convoluted journey but nevertheless it was clear… whenever I ask for guidance I get it. But sometimes it seems to arrive in disguise. Or years later.

(c) Susan Ford Collins. Contact me for permission to use it.

* For more on the 3rd and 7th Success Skills, read The Joy of Success and Our Children Are Watching.

THE TECHNOLOGY of SUCCESS Book Series… compact, concise and powerful…

the perfect toolbox for today’s “always-on” global world.

$14.95 paperback  $3.99 eBook

A Bad Year in the Life of a Top Sales Rep

Here’s important news! Success Has Gears… and so does Leadership

By Susan Ford Collins

As we drive, we use gears to move us ahead, slowly at first then more rapidly and easily. As we succeed, we use gears to move us ahead too.

First Gear is for starting anything new. Second Gear is for accelerating into productivity and competition. Third gear is for breaking through into creativity and innovation. No gear is better than any other; all are essential—each one has its own timing and use.

Each Success Gear has a corresponding Leadership Gear which specifically meets the needs of individuals and teams who are operating in that gear… the 1st Gear of Success/the 1st Gear of Leadership, the 2nd Gear of Success/the 2nd Gear of Leadership, the 3rd Gear of Success/the 3rd Gear of Leadership. Today most of us spend most of our time accelerating in 2nd Gear (more-better-faster-cheaper). And most of our managers are accelerating in 2nd Gear with us. Unless something unexpected occurs.

It was a peak moment. Bob had just returned from Pharmco’s national convention where he had been appointed to the President’s Council and invited to speak on how to be a successful sales rep. Because of Bob’s consistent high performance, he had won every mixer, toaster, bonus and trip, even one that landed Bob and his wife, via helicopter, on top of a volcano high above the clouds in Hawaii.

Finally Bob and Ellen felt secure enough to start a family and they had just received the long-awaited call: Ellen was pregnant. Elated, they took the steps they had been planning: they bought a larger home and a kid-friendly mini-van.

But a few weeks after the conference, Pharmco lost its contract with a major healthcare provider. The loss was over profit margins and had nothing to do with how well Bob was servicing their account. But instead of backing their loss out of Bob’s next year’s sales numbers, management simply tacked on the usual 6% increase.

Bob was staggered. He would have to produce a 31% increase just to make his numbers! Six per cent was a stretch but 31% was outrageous. He tried talking to his boss Howard and suggesting alternative approaches but, instead of being supportive, Howard accused him of having a bad attitude. That stung! Bob had always been seen as “positive and resilient.” In fact, those were the words his managers had included in past appraisals.

The next twelve months were tough. Bob had felt valued when he was exceeding expectations. But now he felt he had become upper management’s personalized message… no matter who you are or what you’ve done in the past, you have to increase your sales 6% each year. Or else.

Even though Bob was making steady progress, Howard kept delaying his appraisal. When they finally met, instead of acknowledging Bob’s successes and reaffirming his confidence in him, Howard was critical. Weeks later, his feedback was threatening. “Unless you start getting the job done, we’ll be forced to find someone else who can.”

It was time for the convention again, but this time Bob didn’t walk away with all of the prizes; in fact, he didn’t get any. But most devastating of all, this year’s top sales rep only exceeded his plan by 10%... and not 31!

Weeks later Bob was offered a job with a competitor. And despite lingering feelings of loyalty, he accepted it, eager to find a company that would be loyal to him as well.

What would skillful 1st Gear Leaders have done?

How would responsible leaders have behaved when they heard about the loss of the SMB account? As soon as they found out, they would have immediately asked Bob to meet. Let’s imagine sitting in and listening to what is being said. “Bob, we’ve just learned that we’ve lost the SMB account due to pricing, and we know this is going to affect you and Ellen profoundly. That’s why we’ve asked you to come in and think this through with us.” “SMB? Whew, it sure will. What happened?” asked a stunned Bob. “We simply couldn’t make the price point they insisted on. These things happen from time to time, but we don’t want it to hurt you. We would like to help you lay out a new plan and rethink your goals for the upcoming year.”

This kind of support would have been great, but it didn’t happen. If they had, Bob would have felt Pharmco’s leaders were there for him, and he would have reached his goals and taken home an award. And even if he hadn’t, he would have felt good about his company and been a far more motivated and loyal employee in the future! Instead they lost him to a competitor who gave Bob the support he needed and (with his inside track on the moves Pharmco would probably make) Bob soon became number one in their company. Unfortunately, millions of valuable employees are being lost in just this way because companies fail to understand this crucial shift leaders need to make from the 2nd Gear of Leadership back into 1st Gear... at times like these.

The mantra of today’s business is more-better-faster-cheaper. But when circumstances force you to gear down, to rethink and restart, will your company's leaders have the skills they need to help you? Or will they force you to move on and take the experience and inside-information you’ve gained into the open arms of a competitor who is all-too-eager to take away a significant chunk of their business?

(c) Susan Ford Collins. Contact me for permission to use it.

* For more information about the 2nd Success Skill, how to when to use all three success and leadership gears, read The Joy of Success and Success Has Gears.

The Technology of Success skill set empowers team members to move ahead together, instead of forcing one or more to leave and take their ideas and expertise, and your ideas and expertise, with them to a competitor.

THE TECHNOLOGY of SUCCESS Book Series… compact, concise and powerful…

the perfect toolbox for today’s “always-on” global world.

$14.95 paperback$3.99 eBook

Moving Past Loss: The Little Orange Kitty Story

By Susan Ford Collins

Little did I know that one of the great teachers would come to me in the form of a little orange kitty. As I sat writing at my computer, my phone rang and I heard my friend Sharon’s voice. She was having an urgent problem and needed my help. I stopped and listened carefully.

A couple of days before, someone had dumped a large cardboard box in Sharon’s yard. As she left for work since then, she grumbled about someone discarding that box on her lawn. But she was busy with a project and hadn’t had time to drag it out to the trash pile … until this morning.

When Sharon walked over and peeked inside, she was stunned. That box wasn’t empty! It contained four tiny kittens, a couple of weeks old! Two were dead already and crawling with maggots. The other two were screaming loudly for help. Sharon immediately called her vet and was told that she would get a callback in fifteen minutes, but after a half hour, she decided she’d better go ahead with Plan B.

Packing “her survivors” into a much smaller, sturdier towel-lined box, she carefully placed them in the car and rushed to a nearby pet store to get help: what should she feed them, how much and how often? The sales team looked at the kitties tenderly and quickly walked Sharon and her box down the correct aisle to a tiny nursing bottle and a six-pack of mother-kitty-replacement milk. The label said to feed the kittens every couple of hours … 24/7. The team wished Sharon well and warned her that, despite her most loving and diligent efforts, the kitties might already be too weak to suck and survive.

Once home, Sharon went into action, opening the can, making sure the milk was baby-bath-water warm, carefully pouring it into the nursing bottle and snapping on the nipple. Sharon decided to feed the smaller kitty first and she picked it up gently. It snuggled in her warm hand and when she offered the tiny nipple, it eagerly accepted it, sucking tiny gulps until milk bubbled out of the corners of its mouth. Relieved, Sharon tucked that contented kitty back into the towel and picked up the other one which started strongly sucking too. After an hour’s nap, they were awake again and happily filled up and contentedly fell back to sleep. So far so good! But now a new problem was surfacing and that’s where I came in.

It was Saturday so Sharon would be able to care for the kitties today and tomorrow, but Monday she would have to go back to work. For years Sharon had joked about my home being “the home of castaways and strays”… unwanted rabbits and guinea pigs, hummingbirds with broken wings and armor-covered wounded iguanas. So I was a likely candidate for taking over her-kitty-mothering responsibilities.

At this point in our conversation Sharon mentioned a word she knew I would respond to… “calico.” Several months before, a calico kitty of mine had been hit by a car. She had dragged her broken body almost up to my front door and died in the bushes unnoticed. I was still grieving, wishing I’d known about her plight and been able to do something to help her. But I didn’t, and I couldn't. So, based on the fact that one of these kitties was a calico, I immediately told Sharon I would take her.

But Sharon quickly responded, “No, they’ve had enough loss already. They only come as a pair. I’ll have to find someone else then.” So, a little begrudgingly, I said I would take them both. Sharon quickly brought them to my house in their new blanket-lined basket, and, sure enough, the calico was exactly like the one I had lost. My heart felt warm and full toward her. I was generous to the orange one of course, but I felt no special connection. I fed him. I cared for him but only as a second. A "me too."  I loved watching them chase bugs, lizards and their own tails, reawakening “the kitten in me” as I giggled at their antics.

Early one morning months later there was a violent thunder storm and my nervous cats and dogs piled onto my bed. Finally the lightning and thunder passed and we slept a little. Around six, I made breakfast but only one of the kitties came running when I called them. I had a sick feeling as I headed for my bedroom, and there on the floor at the foot of my bed was the calico kitty writhing and convulsing. I drove frantically to the vet but, with only one block to go, she went limp.

As I walked into the vet with that dead kitty in my arms, the attendant looked in my eyes knowingly. Finally accepting my reality, I turned around to leave, saying I would take my kitty home to bury her. And out near the pond under my tallest bananas trees, I laid another calico to rest. And with my shovel still in my arms, I wept.

As the day drew on, the little orange kitty was getting mad, furious in fact, and directing his full fury at me, biting me and scratching me as if I had intentionally taken his sister from him. I felt the way a distraught mother must feel when she recognizes that she isn't able to fully love her surviving child. Why are you here and not my little calico? I judged myself harshly, hating my feelings and wishing them away. But they were there and they were real and the little orange kitty had probably sensed them all along. So I apologized, and tears streamed down my burning face, sore from so many tears already.

We seemed to make peace with each other in that moment. We had both suffered great loss and so we made a pact… he and I… that we would try to become better friends; that I wanted to get to know him; that I needed his tender, purring support. And I gave him an extra blue-delft dish full of food, letting him know he was very special to me.

Day in and day out, we learned to know each other. Each day as I sat for six to eight hours at my computer, he slid in behind the keyboard resting on my lap. Sometimes he did it so skillfully that I didn't know he was there. The rest of the day the little orange kitty seemed to assume that he was one of the dogs—Mica the elegant Rhodesian, and Mango the gentle Labrador. Wherever they curled up to nap and dream noisily, moaning and twitching, he nestled in the C their curled-up bodies created.

Early one morning there was another violent thunderstorm. I felt panic rise up in me but it wasn't from the storm. It was my old loss memories flooding in—the earlier, similar morning with the calico kitty dying on the way to the vet, and the afternoon I found my first calico dead by my front door. Then, awakening from those painful memories, I started laughing. I dried tears that had poured out already and reached down to caress my new friend.

Little orange kitty, you've done it! You've made me fall in love with you, with your gentle sensitive ways, and your quiet attentive tenderness. I considered calling him "book" or "success," but those names didn't suit him. The little orange kitty had become "The Little Man."

The Little Man had taught me something most precious. Relationships are built on mutual caring and understanding, on getting into each others' rhythms and nourishing each others' dreams. The little man and I "feed and water" each other daily, honest with how we're feeling, completing the same dreams—six am breakfast, out to feed the fish, settling on my lap while I write all morning, purring in the kitchen during our lunch. And he's settled in his favorite spot now, writing this all down with me, putting in paw marks every once in a while.

                                              xxxxxx          ttttttttt           nnnnnn

I've shared this tender story with you to underline a precious fact I rediscovered with the little orange kitty’s help. Life fills in whatever spaces it creates. If we trust that our needs will be met, if we accept the wisdom of what's being given or taken away, then we can steadily feel life's perfection instead of getting pulled down by our momentary focus on doubt and disappointment, on its imperfection.

In moments of loss we need to stay open to possibilities, even if those possibilities come in the form of a dilapidated cardboard box dumped on our lawn, or a tiny kitten we didn’t really want, holding on to our faith in the goodness of life.

(c) Susan Ford Collins. Contact me for permission to use it.

THE TECHNOLOGY of SUCCESS Book Series… compact, concise and powerful…

the perfect toolbox for today’s “always-on” global world.

$14.95 paperback$3.99 eBook

Your Working Life: Caroline Dowd-Higgins interviews Susan Ford Collins

What Dylan's Birthmark Taught Him About Life

By Susan Ford Collins

By age seven, Dylan had had eleven laser surgeries. He was born with a huge birthmark that, if left untreated, would grow into a raised purple blemish covering his neck and cheek like a man’s beard. One month after birth, Dylan had his first laser treatment, not by choice of course, but because his parents knew the torment their son would endure throughout his life otherwise.

Every surgery was like preliving his untreated future. Hours afterward the whole area was swollen and purple. For weeks, whenever his mother took Dylan to a mall or out in a stroller, people stared not just at him but at her, wondering.

After eleven treatments, Dylan’s birthmark appeared to be gone except for a barely noticeable patch, but the doctors said it would expand and darken as he grew. This time Dylan chose to have surgery himself, a doubly-hard decision because now Dylan knew how painful past procedures had been. But like a brave little soldier he told his Mom, “Please schedule another laser surgery for me.”

This treatment was a group effort. His father, a doctor, visited Dylan’s school to explain the procedure to his teachers and classmates and prepare them for what Dylan would look like for the next few weeks. His mother showed Dylan photos of his shrinking birthmark and helped him visualize it shrinking again, or even disappearing. The night before, Dylan was anxious. No, he hadn’t changed his mind, but memories of that laser striking his tender skin, of burning, bruising and swelling, of people staring kept rushing in.

The next morning in the operating room Dylan held his arm still as the anesthesiologist inserted the needle to put him to sleep. Even though Dylan woke from the anesthesia fighting and screaming, even though he dreaded having his mother apply the prescribed cream to his tender face, even though players on a visiting team called Dylan “a grape head” his first day back on the soccer field, Dylan sailed through the healing process knowing, “I wanted to do that and I did. And I can do that or something even harder again if I have to... as long as I continue to hold my outcome."

Dylan’s birthmark had brought a blessing. He’d learned a Success Skill that would assist him whenever he sat down to do homework, whenever his team was behind on the soccer field, whenever he had to buckle down to do the hard work needed to succeed in business school and life.

(c) Susan Ford Collins. Contact me for permission to use it.

* For more on the 7th Success Skill, how to stay on course to your desired outcomes, read The Joy of Success: 10 Essential Skills for Getting the Success You Want.

THE TECHNOLOGY of SUCCESS Book Series… compact, concise and powerful…

the perfect toolbox for today’s “always-on” global world.

$14.95 paperback$3.99 eBook

Your Working Life: Caroline Dowd-Higgins interviews Susan Ford Collins

How Often Do You Say "Not"?

By Susan Ford Collins

As a researcher at NIH, I learned something about your brain you need to know now. It could save your life, or your child’s!

Take a minute to read these instructions: Don't think about a hot fudge sundae and the warm, thick chocolate melting down two scoops of your favorite ice cream. Don't think about the walnuts in maple syrup or the generous dollop of whipped cream and long-stemmed red cherry sitting on top. Perhaps some of you are already headed for the kitchen!

Why do we “think about” what we’re told “not to think about”... and even take action on it? The truth is we can’t help it; it’s the way our brain works. Whether we realize it or not, we have a Positive Command Brain. Like it or not, everything is a positive instruction to the brain.

Our brain is wired to see, hear, feel, taste, smell… and take action. We’re programmed to respond…without stopping to think. Sense/do. Sense/do. Primitive man needed this brain to survive!

But sometime in the distant past something monumental happened… the concept of "not" was introduced. Not statements produce an unforeseen complication. If we depend on our primitive brain, we automatically and unconsciously take actions that threaten our safety and others’. Fortunately you have a CHOICE. We can stop when we hear NOT and ask, What do I want instead? Or what do you want instead?

Don't drink and drive. In case of fire, don't take the elevator. Don't cross on red. Many of these instructions actually create the problems we are trying to avoid. Now that you know this, you need to listen more carefully to the instructions you give and receive... at home, at work and in the world. Using your Positive Command Brain to focus on what you want instead of what you don't want will change your life, and others' lives, for the better.

(c) Susan Ford Collins. Contact me for permission to use it.

* For more on The Positive Command Brain, read Skill 3: The Science of Dreaming in The Joy of Success. And Skill 3: Hologramming in Our Children Are Watching.

THE TECHNOLOGY of SUCCESS Book Series… compact, concise and powerful…

the perfect toolbox for today’s “always-on” global world.

$14.95 paperback  $3.99 eBook

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